A year later and I am just now writing my second blog I grasp at explanations of why it has taken me so long to write again. I am not even sure myself? However, I do know after writing the initial blog and telling my story of my husband being murdered it took quite a toll on me. I have always thought writing is a healthy outlet for your emotions.....I still do. However, I must admit after writing that initial blog putting those words down it took me back to the "dark pit" that I was ruthlessly and unexpectedly thrown in! The pit that I found the only way to crawl out of was on my hands and knees looking up to the light, who is the Son of God, and crawling to the Cross. I was forced to remember that dreadful day, to examine where I was now in my life, and to face the doubts and fears of the future. But then I was blessed to see and share what God had done in my life thus far. If someone would have tried to tell me I would experience what I had and survive, function again, and not blame God, I would not have believed them. But you know we never know what we can endure until we do! A saying I love "If God brings you to it he will bring you through it." How true are those words if we are a child of His. We can trust that he will never leave us or forsake us. I also felt the burden of sharing my story with others and hoping it glorified Christ. Perhaps, I let the distractions and detours in life get in the way of my continuing to blog. Or maybe, just maybe, I had to sit back quietly, experience life, work my way through the numbness, and feel again, to truly be able to fully express all these emotions.
So here I am, back again. I hope someone is still lead to continue this journey with me. I am not a prolific writer by no means. I write what comes from the heart and its quickly jotted down, usually with little thought, but with passion from the heart. I am no theologian, super christian, or scholar. I am a simple woman that serves a BIG God. I am just here to share what that Big God has done in my life in hopes that he will reveal himself to you in some form or fashion in your life. Because I know he LOVES us that much to enter our lives and show himself to and draw us to him. So let's share some Golden Nuggets that Christ has for us!
My journey the past year has many times been long and weary. I still to this day do not like the word "widow." I think is this really who I am now? I also do not like the word "single" because I did not choose that status. I also still find it hard to say "when my husband died" because to me that sounds like you are talking about natural causes, a car accident, etc...not an act of murder. To me it is when "my husband was taken from me." In all honesty, that is the truth. Although, his life was taken by a ruthless murderer, I know that God is actually the Author and Finisher of Life and Death. The bible says we are "all appointed a time to die." So nothing happens to us without being sifted through our Father's hands. So God allowed my husband to be taken, even by the hands of another man, on November 11, 2010. That has been a hard act of sovereignty to understand. But if I am to believe in what the word of God says then I trust in this no matter how may questions I may still have. I could also question why do children cry alone many nights in orphanages, or die of starvation, or are victims of sexual crime. Why did Jesus disciples die horrific deaths? Most of all why did Jesus, the perfect man, without sin, have to die on the Cross, also a brutal murder? Well, he did for YOU and for ME! He did because he was the sacrifice for our sin. I even have to accept that if chosen by God the man that murdered my husband could also be forgiven for his sin by Jesus.
There have been many losses and voids since my husband's death. Losing my best friend, my husband, my lover, the father of our children is a big chunk of your life to lose. I even lost my home. Since my husband was murdered in our home with our two small girls sleeping in the room next to him we never returned to live in our home. We lived with friends for about 6 weeks and thenwonderful church family paid for a rental home until we could sell our home and buy another. The home where we raised our kids, fun childhood memories made, family nights, those memories you always want to have tucked safely away in the walls of your home was tarnished by bloodshed, by an act of evil. This place was no longer our home, our safe haven from the outside, it was where tragedy took place. I learned during this trial, that a building does not make a home, your home is in your heart. If Jesus resides in your heart then your home can be anywhere. When I lived six weeks with our dear friends I saw Jesus protect my girls and I. I saw church members bring meals to their home for all of us. Although, many nights I could not eat, I only sat and cried, or stared off into space, I know my children were taken care of by many who loved us. I still feel ashamed of the many nights I did not take care of my girls. There were no fun stories, bedtime prayers, or playful hugs and kisses. When I did hug them it was almost a hug of fear that I did not want to lose them. I think my forceful hugs almost scared them because they could feel my desperateness to hold on to them and not to lose them too. Then there were the many nights I could not sleep without seeing the horrific images of finding my husband's body and the brutal murder site. My sister just recently shared when my family and friends gathered around the first weeks after his death I would sit in the room with everyone, quiet, sullen, no words, and then a sudden "scream, shriek of fear" would come out of me that would startle everyone in the room. She said they would immediately surround me and begin to pray. Others recalled hearing me sob all through the night and also have night terrors and have to again run to comfort me or my girls who were scared to see their mom hurting so badly. Some of these things I do not even remember. I think it is God's way of protecting me from some of the pain. But I am so grateful that my girls and I were surrounded by God's people that took care of us ....when I couldn't. Without his grace and protection, I could see me drowning my sorrows in a bottle, or pills, and then what would have happened to my children? But God did not allow this to happen. Those nights I cried out to him in my darkness, in that dark pit, he enveloped me with his love, mercy, and grace. It is in the darkest hour, such as this, that you see Christ for who he really is! You see him as the Light of the World, a Strong tower, and he became my Rock. He was my rock that gave me refuge from the swelling tides of shock, fear, and grief that surrounded me. He was the solid foundation that I could cling to when all else seem to be swooped out from under me. This my friend is what Christ did for me during this tragic journey of losing my husband to murder. I still find it hard to express in words the power of his love. It is something that can be told....but must be experienced to truly understand. This is my hope and prayer for every reader of this blog. That you experience this amazing Saviour. That you feel his Love. A love that this world can not offer in another person, in a material possession, in a drug, or in any kind of experience, EXCEPT experiencing the Love of Christ who can fill all voids.
So am I full circle on this grief journey? Not hardly! Have I traveled this road without sin, without doubts, without anger, without mistakes? Absolutely not! I still struggle with forgiveness for the man who took my husband's life and ask your prayers in this area. Have I allowed Satan to distract me at times on this road and feel like I deserve to "feed my fleshly desires" because of my hurt and pain. Unfortunately, yes, I have only to find that I still hunger for something so much more that only Christ can give. "But whoever drinks the water that I give him will never thirst again." John 4:14
So my family is just weeks away (week of October 22, 2012) of enduring probably the second hardest thing in our life. The murder trial of my husband. It will be almost two years since his life was taken. The trial will be near what should have been my husband's 50th Birthday Party and boy, would I have thrown a BIG over the hill party for him. But now he lives eternally in a place where he sheds no tears and does not grow old. A place I long to be and my prayer is that you do too. Again, I face the future with uncertainties, with doubts, with fears. What would I do if this man was not convicted and walks the streets again? Would he come after me and/or my daughters? Could we live in the same town with him? Will he hurt someone else? Will I ever be able to fully forgive him? Will he confess? Will Jesus save his soul one day? So many questions that I do not have to have the answers except again to know that God is Sovereign. The definition of Sovereignty is; Supreme power or authority,God's absolute right to all all things according to his own good pleasure Daniel 4:25, 35, Romans 9:15-23, Timothy 6:15, and Revelation 4:11. Then the hope of his sovereignty is in my Life Verse Romans 8:28 "All things happen for the good for those called according to his purposes." So wherever the road of life may take us, pit stops and all, if you are a child of God you can trust in knowing he can bring good even from the darkest moment of your life. If you are not a child of His.....ask him to reveal himself to you, to call you to himself, to join his flock and be feed by the Shepherd.
Thank you for sharing with me God's Golden Nuggets. God Bless!
